This topic has been on my mind for awhile now and I finally found some time (while holding my napping baby, happy sigh) to write a post about it. I've noticed a huge trend on social media lately and witnessed it firsthand quite excessively since I announced my pregnancy last year, continuing through to the present with my five-month-old son. Comparisons. "Well she's due right around the same time as you but you're so much smaller..." I heard that one a lot since my baby bump stayed pretty small throughout my pregnancy. And this is just one small example of how our society loves to pit people against one another in an ugly game of comparisons. It isn't right and frankly, I think it needs to stop. You all know what I'm talking about, especially if you're new parents. I found this quote recently and thought it was a perfect way to sum up what I've been thinking-
"Comparison is the thief of joy." - Theodore Roosevelt
Isn't that the truth? When we compare ourselves to others more often than not we end up feeling subpar. Like we have failed in some way because we are different or have done something differently than someone else. Why is that? We're all individuals and as such we have the right to do things our own way. Don't we? Comparisons steal the joy we would otherwise experience through our own unique lives and situations.
Whether we willingly subject ourselves to comparisons or find them thrust upon us by "well meaning" individuals, they are not fair. Comparisons serve no further purpose than to plant seeds of self doubt in our minds. Minds that, as new parents, are already plagued by questioning one's own ability and competence. Comparing how you choose to raise your child to someone else's choices and ideals is futile and frustrating. At best it will cause you to rethink your parental instincts rather than trust the intuition that God instilled within you for your child. At worst it will destroy your confidence in being a parent, forcing you to give up altogether. You see, each parent is remarkably blessed with a child that is thoroughly unique. Sure, some look alike and may have similar temperaments; however, no two are exactly alike. I'm sure every parent of twins can attest to that truth! Every baby is his or her own person. To look at your child and compare it to another is not only unfair to you but also to your child. You can't expect your baby to be someone he or she is not.
I think one of the best examples of trying to fit every baby into an idealistic mold while simultaneously undermining the confidence of every parent comes from the infamous baby sleep predicament. For reasons baffling to me, I quickly learned after Camden's first month of life that the favored question among friends and strangers alike was "how does he sleep?" Everywhere I turned I was asked this petulant question. You see, my baby doesn't fit the "sleeping through the night at 6 weeks" mold. However, our society has come to view a baby's nightly sleep habits as the earmark of good parenting. So the question is asked over and over again until I am blue in the face from long winded, albeit defensive, explanations. No, Camden does not sleep through the night. No, still not yet. And again, no. Most strangers would shake their heads in disgust at my answer. Some would snicker or make sympathetic remarks. Others would offer their undesired advice. At first these questions and responses rattled me. I began to question everything I was doing with Camden, especially as it related to his sleep habits. Should I change his bedtime routine? Should I change where he sleeps? Do I nurse him too much? Do I hold him too much? Will he ever sleep through the night? Why does this baby sleep through the night and mine doesn't? Self doubt flooded my thinking surrounding my sweet boy's delicate upbringing. I found myself exhausted and defenseless. I started to become bitter over my loss of sleep and jealous of all the parents who continued to boast of their baby's wonderful sleep patterns. I was caught up in comparisons and it wasn't fair to me or to Camden. Then one day I decided enough was enough. I called a dear friend who asked me a question that truly changed my thinking. She simply asked me that if I wasn't hearing these things and feeling this pressure from other people, would I still want to change what I was doing? My answer was no. My maternal instincts were guiding me and I knew I had to trust them. Comparisons were stealing away my confidence as Camden's mother. Never mind what this friend or that stranger had to say about my parenting. Camden is my responsibility. My boy is not like anyone else's child. That's why he is MINE.
Once this realization dawned on me I resolved to ignore all comparisons and revert my focus to the amazing baby I held in my arms. Sure, he doesn't sleep through the night yet but is that truly a problem? It certainly inconveniences my sleep but overall the difficulty is of a selfish nature. Camden is growing and developing perfectly! He's reaching milestones when he should, if not earlier. He is a very happy, active, curious, and delightful boy. When viewed under the lens of all these other matters, his lack of sleep at night becomes less of a problem. But the root of my battle with this issue was comparison. I allowed someone else's experience to cloud my own. I let societal ideals interfere with my reality.
As I read more on the issue of baby sleep (thanks to the amazing work of Dr. Sears) I soon learned that the way a baby sleeps is immensely different from adult sleep and, moreover, the variations between babies alone is staggering. Easy going babies tend to go to sleep easier and stay asleep longer. Well, my precious Camden is not of the easy going nature. He is a high need baby. That isn't to say he's a "bad" baby and easy going babies are the "good" ones (although most parents of easy going babies would judgmentally claim this). Camden simply needs more attention and more help falling asleep and staying asleep. It is my responsibility as his parent to take the time to learn my child's temperament and parent him accordingly. After all, this is about him. Isn't it? This parenting thing is about our babies. It isn't about so-and-so's baby or even the perfect baby we envisioned during gestation. It's about raising the child you have been blessed with. Yes, it can be helpful to seek the advice of fellow parents and baby experts but we must never stray from the heart of parenting. We are responsible for these little miracles. We have the parental instincts needed to raise them. No, we are not perfect and neither are our children. We shouldn't expect perfection. We should simply love them, follow our hearts and instincts, and always do our very best to raise them as we see fit.
For the record, Camden still isn't sleeping through the night at five months old. Do I remain bitter about this? Absolutely not. We have good nights of sleep and bad nights of sleep. Some days are more coffee-dependent than others. But I continue to work with his temperament, finding ways to help him sleep better. We take naps together and I've learned to ask for help when I need it. We're making it work. And I must admit that I didn't reach this state of surrendered acceptance until I let go of the comparisons. Once I stopped expecting unrealistic goals from my high needs baby I found myself to be a much happier momma.
Friends, please take the time to realize how unhealthy it is to continually compare yourself to others. And parents, think about what you are doing when you compare your children to other children. In this day and age it is all too easy to get caught up in the destructive path of comparison. Everywhere we look we see ideals. The "good stuff" abounds. We rarely see the raw truth and struggles of everyday life. Everyone is quick to share the good and hide the bad. What we are left with is a never ending series of highlights, devoid of the bloopers that make life real. We're striving for an unattainable goal. We're reaching for perfection as it is defined by our selectively sharing society. Please, it needs to stop. All we are doing is making others doubt themselves and feel as though they are the only one who doesn't have it all together. We aren't helping each other. We aren't building each other up. We're only setting ourselves up for defeat. Life is messy. We all struggle at times. We all walk through valleys to get to mountaintops. We all have our own journeys. Why should I compare my life and experiences to yours? Our stories are vastly different. So lets stop comparing ourselves in every aspect of our lives and start embracing the beauty of our own uniqueness. I believe that when we do this we will find our happiness, for happiness is not contingent upon measuring up to others but in enjoying the life that you were blessed with.
Individuality is beautiful. Comparisons are not.
