Thursday, September 4, 2014

What Parents of High-Needs Babies Wish Other People Understood

I wrote this blog post months and months ago, but never actually posted it. This comes deep from my heart. Since having Camden, Jacob and I have received a lot of negative input and judgment from others over our son. Camden is unique: he isn't the typical easy-going baby. Contrarily, he has high needs and a very persistent personality. This was obvious to us from our very first night home with him. Most people do not understand what it is like to have a baby like Camden. Truthfully, I don't think you can fully understand what it's like to raise a high-needs baby unless you've done so yourself. So take this as an open letter to anyone who does not have personal experience raising a high-needs baby. Please read it and please, please stop judging and condemning those of us who are doing the best we can to raise our high-needs children.

(Keep in mind- I refer to high-needs babies throughout this post but high-needs babies grow into high-needs children, so this rings true for children as well as babies with this personality)

What Parents of High-Needs Babies Wish Other People Understood:

1. We're not lying. There is such a thing as a high-needs baby. More than once I have had someone scoff at me when I mention that my son is high-needs. I've had people tell me there's no such thing as high-needs babies. Take it from those of us who know first hand, there certainly is! High-needs (or "spirited" as they're also called) babies are more intense, sensitive, perceptive, and expressive than easy-going babies/children. They require a little bit more from their parents- more patience, more attention, more time, more explaining, more touch, more interaction, more gentleness, more understanding. High-needs babies have a very distinct personality. They typically do not settle well, they're very sensitive to day-to-day routines and are therefore upset by changes, they enjoy being held/carried/worn a lot, they are more easily bothered and frustrated by things, they have very keen senses, and they do not hesitate to express themselves whether out of happiness or displeasure. A wonderful resource for understanding the unique characteristics of high-needs children is this article by renowned pediatrician Dr. Sears. Believe us, high-needs babies do indeed exist! All adults do not have the same personality and disposition, do they? The same is true for babies; each is unique and some more intense than others.

2. We're not bad parents. A high-needs child is not a reflection of poor parenting. This fact goes hand-in-hand with point #1. Just as I've had people tell me that there's no such thing as a high-needs baby, I've also had people tell me that my baby isn't high-needs, I'm just a bad parent and can't handle my child. Not only is this comment rude and hurtful, it is extremely ignorant. While it is true that children reflect their parenting as they grow older, a high-needs baby is born with this disposition. I knew that Camden was of this nature within his first week of life outside my womb. He was very sensitive to lights, cold wipes, being swaddled, and nursing. He has needed so much more from me since he was born. My parenting did not make him this way. Rather, my parenting has adapted to the needs of my child. That is to say, it is not my parenting that has dictated my child's personality but my child's personality that has dictated my parenting. I know my child well enough to know that if I take him out on errands and we are not home at nap time, he will not simply settle down and fall asleep wherever he is but rather will grow agitated and fussy over the fact that he is not in his usual sleep environment for nap time. While parents of easy-going babies can, and often do, force their children to adapt to their own lifestyle, parents of high-needs babies must learn to build their days around the needs of their child. Which leads me to my third point.

3. Our babies aren't spoiled. High-needs babies are not spoiled. A parent of an easy-going child may look at my previous point and say that I'm simply spoiling my child by adapting to him rather than making him adapt to me. Part of this is due to my commitment to attachment parenting but it is also largely due to the nature of my child. I know that if Camden is out at the grocery store with me and nap time rolls around he is going to get tired, cranky, and quite fussy. He will protest the fact that I have disrupted our usual daily routine. He will not simply lean over and fall asleep in the carriage, as an easy-going baby will do. His high-needs personality means he is more sensitive to his environment and will have a very difficult time settling down outside of the norm that he expects. This does not mean he is spoiled. It means that he is perceptive and sensitive and thrives within the boundaries of an expected routine. Rather than force my child to be frustrated and uncomfortable, I have decided that it is best for both of us to work around his needs. Similarly, I know that Camden enjoys being held, worn and carried. He thrives in that closeness. Some would say that I am spoiling my child by holding him so much. However, I believe that I am meeting my child's need for closeness while building a trusting bond between us. I don't think it's possible to spoil a baby by holding him too much! Especially not my high-needs baby.

4. We aren't being antisocial. Any outing, especially far from home, is more tricky with a high-needs baby. As you may have gathered from above, outings must be planned around the needs and expectations of a high-needs baby. Just because your baby or your friend's baby can make a 12-hour car ride just fine does not mean every baby is the same way. For instance, Camden hates being in his carseat and stopped sleeping in the car at 10 months old (now at nearly 18 months old he will occasionally fall asleep in the car if he is tired enough). It doesn't matter if we're in the car for 10 minutes or 2 hours, Camden does not like it and is not afraid to express his displeasure. This makes any trip tricky to plan. Everyone knows that going somewhere with a baby or child requires more planning to begin with, right? Imagine that plus a little bit more and you have an outing with a high-needs child. I'm not saying it's impossible to go anywhere or do anything with a high-needs baby. What I'm saying is that it requires much more planning and flexibility, especially during the early years. Quite frankly, any long trip with Camden is much more frustration and work than it is worth. I would rather postpone long trips until Camden is older than subject him to the inevitable displeasure such a trip will mean for him. Traveling and high-needs babies simply do not mix well. I can say that outings have become a little easier as Camden has aged. However, he still hates long car rides and doesn't do well having his daily routine disrupted.

5. Our babies aren't negative. High-needs babies are not "difficult" or "bad". Please, do not call our high-needs children difficult or bad. Sure, they can be challenging as they require so much more. But "difficult" and "bad" are very negative words to attach to such a wonderfully rare personality. In my opinion, calling my high-needs baby difficult is just as rude as if I were to call your easy-going baby boring. I do not view Camden's needs as something negative. Rather, I see them as a part of what makes him the amazing boy he is. As such, I wouldn't change his high-needs personality for the world! Which leads me to my final point.

6. We wouldn't change our babies. Being high-needs is not a bad thing. It really isn't. You might be reading this, whether you have children or not, and thinking "gosh, this high-needs stuff sounds like a real pain!" There are days that are more challenging than others, but that's a fact of life when you're a parent. Truth is, for every bit of "more" that you pour into a high-needs child, you get just as much in return. Camden has been ahead of the curve in every major milestone (minus cutting teeth, but that has nothing to do with his own abilities). He started rolling over at two months old, was starting to army crawl by five months, standing and cruising by 9 months, and walking by 10 months. This is not unusual for high-needs babies! They often develop and master skills faster. Their personalities make them more in-tune to their surroundings. Their natural perception leads to many questions which in turn leads to more learning. High-needs children also empathize better with others, due to their sensitive nature. (I think this world could use more empathy, don't you?). So while it is true that a high-needs baby or child is more challenging, they are exponentially worth every ounce of "more" we can give them.

Hopefully this post has given you some insight into life with a high-needs baby or child!

(Please note that this isn't meant to be an attack on parents with easy-going babies. We're all doing the best we can raising our children! This post is simply meant to help those without high-needs babies to understand what life with a high-needs baby is like.)

This is an excellent resource for more information about high-needs babies:
Dr. Sears | High Needs Baby

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